Friday, December 4, 2009

Hell and Red Lights

You want to know what hell is like? Hell is a fussy baby balling her eyes out while you navigate the streets of your town with a headache. Wife to your right. Daughter #1 behind her. Daughter #2 right behind you exercising the full extent of her lungs.

At this point a red light is your worst nightmare. Your daughter isn’t like most infants you know who fall asleep as soon as the engine turns over. Unless she’s dead tired the motion of a car seems only to piss her off. Then you find yourself stopped dead at a big intersection waiting for the crosstown traffic to have their five minute green while she just about screams the hair off your neck and you see red and do a slow burn behind the wheel.

You don’t remember it being so bad with daughter #1 but your wife reminds you that it sort of was and you’ve just erased it from your memory. Anyway the light seems to take an eternity and you’re pissed at everyone, even the homeless dude on the corner, not to mention yourself because she’s just an infant and infants cry and that’s life and you should know that by now only that doesn’t help.

The only thing that will soothe you is the sight of a green light and even that doesn’t fix it because you’re behind an octogenarian who seems to have forgotten that the gas pedal is on the right. So you’d really like to bumper-bash granny at warp speed but you just smack the steering wheel and in the end it doesn’t matter much cause now daughter #2 is wailing like a banshee and getting the car moving will only piss her off more.

Yep, this is hell.

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