Paper Parents Pop Quiz #8 (PPPQ8)

Last night you were working in the basement when you heard Avery getting loud with your wife, Laura. You knew Avery was a bit tired and cranky and wanted a treat or whatever....the details weren't clear. What was clear was that she was speaking to Laura in a way that wasn't acceptable. You were boiling. So you sat for a minute and weighed the pros and cons of getting in Avery's face and making sure she understood good and proper that she was not to speak to her mother like that again...ever.

Pros...she needed to know in no uncertain terms that raising her voice in defiance was NOT going to happen regularly...at least not that loud.

Cons...interject and you risk coming across like the "heavy" and usurping Laura's authority and ability to deal with situations like that as she sees fit.

An interesting dilemma. It took about 40 seconds to come up with the action plan....did you...

A) Let Laura handle the situation...to rush upstairs would be to give Avery the impression her mother couldn't be strong and that was the overriding consideration...

B) Stay in the basement and have a talk with Laura later about how you thought she should have been a little tougher on Avery...

C) Get your ass upstairs and get in your daughter's grill. "Usurping authority" or no, Avery will not address her mother in that tone and that's really all that matters. Time for you to take control...

D) Run upstairs screaming at the top of your lungs and frothing at the mouth -- something akin to a rabid rhino on speed. Get in your daughter's face. Make her cry. Terrorize her. This way you'll ensure she'll never raise her voice to her mother again. Hell if you play it right she may never again address her mother above a whisper for the rest of her years...

And the answer is? Boy D was tempting but I went with C on this. It was an easy decision actually...yes Laura can handle herself. But when you heard Avery upstairs your mind immediately flashed back to one day in Lake Placid five years ago. To one of the hundred stores that cater to tourists on Main Street. A four or five year old kid was being the biggest brat and addressing his mother in a way that should never be. And she just let it happen. Of course Avery wasn't at that age or stage but it's up to you as a parent to make sure she will NEVER get there.

So you went upstairs and got in her grill. Told her she will NEVER talk to her mom like that again.

You knew she'd cry. She did.

You knew she would run to her mom for a hug. She did.

She'll also know better next time and hopefully in the deep recesses of her mind there will be a voice telling her how far she can and cannot go. This is is essence of parenting...and it is why the decisions you make in these situations lays the foundation for tomorrow and the rest of their lives. And that is why the easy thing with your children is often the wrong thing...at least in this parent's mind...

Not to mention you know that Avery is strong. She may have been in tears for five minutes but you knew ten minutes after that the two of you would be playing ball again. And you were. The house didn't collapse. She didn't curl up into fetal position. She simply got a lesson at high volume for about a minute...and I believe the effects will last a lot longer...

Mirror Mirror

Today you rocked Logan to sleep and watched yourself do it in the standing mirror you have in your bedroom. Just you and your tired little 6 1/2 month old infant in afternoon's fading light. You thought a lot in those five minutes about how you were a better father to Avery than you have been to Logan. How you've seen a lot worse dads but then you've seen better and so that wasn't a lot of comfort...

You wanted to make a New Year's Resolution (in February) to be better but those are always gone within a week so instead you just rocked her back and forth and looked at her eyes fading and you caught sight of yourself a lot, thinking you could be the greatest father or the worst and the world could care less. But this is your testimony. Every day. And you could maybe be doing better. And even without a "resolution" you quietly felt resolved...

The Chef

Some photos don't need a big story. This is one of them. Taken by Laura on her IPhone during dinner prep. I believe that's a strainer in Avery's hand. I'm not sure she's actually going to use it and I'm not sure she'd actually be straining anything coming out of an oven set to 450. But that's besides the point. I've looked at this photo 50 times and it makes me smile every single time...enjoy...

Dr. Happy Hands and 8 Hours with Buddha and Damien...

I equate 8 hours solo parenting two very young girls as sort of like going to the proctologist. First there's that awful sense of dread days before the event. The absolute, abject fear that permeates your existence for days. Then you finally get down to it and the whole damn experience flies by. Hell you even find that if you relax enough, you enjoy it in the end...

That's what today was like. Day one of Laura studying to become a pilates instructor, and the first time I'd spend 8 straight hours with Logan (Buddha) and Avery (Damien). I mean, don't get my wrong. I LOVE my time with my girls and I get plenty of it. But usually it's two hours here with Logan, then two hours with Avery, and so on. Never anything like today. And I was slightly fearful, to be honest. But Laura wants to learn how to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan and so I became Mr. Mom for the first of many days.

I'll spare you all the gory details of who pee'd when and what diapers were changed where. It was a GREAT day. Aided somewhat by a 90 minute workout at the gym where childcare was provided. Home, gym, bank, lunch, bookstore...I felt like we lived the whirlwind and daddy kept it all together. And that might have been the greatest lesson for today -- keeping it together. When you're on the move with a six-month old and a three year old, having the details straight is imperative #1. And not that I needed it, but boy did it deepen (yet again) my sense of marvel at how mom keeps everything in order.

Every time I moved a limb I had a mental checklist of at least a hundred things; where is the next diaper? what time is the next feeding? where are the snacks? their bags...hats...jackets...all the things that a mom thinks of routinely I had to concentrate on, hard, if the ship was to keep running smoothly...

By the time mom walked in I was exhausted. Not because the day was difficult. Like I said earlier it was GREAT, pretty low stress compared to what my mind imagined. I was tired because following two small kids around is simply exhausting even on the best of days!

...At the risk of telling any moms out there what they already know....

"That's Just the Way it is...."

As much as you would like it to be different you pretty much realize when you’re a parent that the sun rises and sets with how your children are doing. For roughly the past month Avery has had huge separation issues when we drop her off at school in the morning. It’s bad with me, worse with Laura because the mother/daughter bond is different. So I end up dropping Avery off at school most days.

Two days ago she had to be ripped from me by her teacher. She was stuck to me like a barnacle. She had my shoulder in a death grip and clung to me as if she was being consigned to spend the rest of her childhood in a Thai sweatshop. No matter how you tell yourself it’s normal, that this is a phase, that she’ll grow out of it in a month, the pain you feel in your stomach is visceral, real. She was pulled from me and I wanted to go into the nearest closet and cry. I talked to her teacher for 20 minutes and that helped but when you see your child suffer that way...the creases of their face...the wrenched look of pain and abandonment....that stays with you for hours if not days.

Today she was a little better. I found myself tap dancing in the car; singing, joking, anything to keep her in a good mood so she wouldn’t be petrified when I left. She bounced on the trampoline for a few minutes and seemed so happy. Then I moved to leave quickly and she bolted off the tramp and ran after me. I had to leave. If I stayed it would have only made things worse. As I type this all I can really see is her face as she chased after me. That look that said "why are you leaving me when I need you to hold me, daddy?"

Laura will pick her up. She will have had a great day, bouncing on the trampoline, playing on the swing, eating four bowls of sweet rice…but right now all I can see is her face, chasing after me like she’ll never see it again…

Paper Parents Pop Quiz #7 (PPPQ7)

Here's the scenario. The family is at a birthday party for a local boy. He's turning four and the party is at a kids' gym with tons of activities. Lots of kids around and parents and the usual.

God damn Avery reminds me of myself. Perfectly. She acts exactly as I would. Running around and engaging when there's an activity she likes. Being timid and shy the next minute. So shy sometimes that she doesn't want to join in to some of the activities. She's always been a cautious child but I'm dying for her to break out of that a bit. The kids are all playing in the middle of the room and I'm trying to having her join in but all she says is, "I don't want to..."

I'm in a quandary. I want her to join the other kids but I don't want to force her. I'm sitting right on the fence on this one. Push her a bit past her boundaries to show her she can or let her develop on her own when she's ready...so what do I do?

A) Don't push at all. If she wants to join in she will. If not, she'll develop at her own pace and hopefully time will make her a little more daring...

B) Suggest a number of times that it would be fun. Push a little bit but let her make the call in the end according to her comfort level...

C) Make her join in to some of the events even if she doesn't want to. Odds are she'll really enjoy it if she just breaks through the initial resistance barrier. Hold her hand, hold BOTH hands if need be but push her to join in a bit and in the process expand those boundaries...

D) Pull her aside. Call her a "sissy," and insist that she either joins in with the other kids or none of them will ever come to any of her parties. Make sure she knows she'll be celebrating her "Sweet-16" at a table for one in the local diner. Then make her join in anyway and ask her in a loud voice "why aren't you more like other kids here???" Embarrass her a bit. That's what dads are for...

And the answer is?

B

But wouldn't D be fun? No, B was the call....I asked a few times, let her know that I'd be there with her. I pushed a little bit but in the end she wasn't comfortable and at 3 years old she gets to make that call. I figure let her get to 4 and then it's time to drop "D" on her ass....